One Year

One year ago today was when I learned that Jonathan wanted to leave me. It's hard to believe a whole year has gone by. I sat down here right now with the plan to write up some deep blog post about all I've learned and gone through this past year, but I find I'd rather talk about my first date. :) But I will say a couple of things, (and I'll also post about my first date in a different post this week.)

1. It just takes time. I didn't like hearing that. Sometimes I didn't believe it would ever be better, that I would ever be over him or feel whole. But guess what, it does happen. I'm not saying time alone does it, I've done a lot of work to get to where I am. But you have to combine that work with the passage of time. Wounds heal with time, if you care for them properly. And I don't even understand fully how or when, but you get there. My emotions finally came into line with my intellect. I got to the place where I no longer wanted him.

2. Being healed doesn't mean there is no sadness or pain, but for sure any sadness or pain I feel is a shadow of what I have experienced in the past and it is quite short lived. Jonathan got engaged a couple of weeks ago, (don't ask me for any details because I don't have any.) That day when I found out was a huge punch to the gut and I was in a lot of pain, very angry, etc. But guess what? By the very next day I felt much better. Most of the anger and pain was gone. And how lucky am I that I get to deal with everything in this fist year?! I dealt with him leaving, the divorce, him dating again, him getting married again, all within the first year. It's all over and done with and I can move on.

3. I'm aware that there will be plenty of challenges in the future, but I know I can get through them. It's pretty empowering to face your worst nightmare and get through it, get through it well, if I may say so myself. I figure there is pretty much nothing I can't do.

4. God is great. He loves me. He is always there. This life is a process of learning to align our will with his and become like him. He wants more for us than we even know to want for ourselves.


So while I am really in a great place and feeling great, here are a couple of things I'm still struggling with:

1. Making dinner. Cooking for one or for picky children who don't eat anything is super hard and I don't do it very often. When I do prepare a meal and we all sit down together to eat it, it's so nice. Hopefully I can figure that out better.

2. I'm still living very much day to day. I used to be such a long range planner. Now if you ask me to plan some kind of future event I get very overwhelmed. Just thinking about getting Emily ready for Trek made me want to cry, luckily I had people in the ward help me. David is getting packed for Scout Camp the night before. My friend planned Benjamin's birthday party. For some reason, thinking past what needs to get done right now, especially if it's something big, floods me and I want to shut down. It's a strange thing and I'm hoping it will go away and I'll get back to being able to better cope with more than just today.


If there is anyone reading this and going through a divorce I add my witness to others that you will be ok. It does get better. Hang on. Draw near to God. Do the things you need to heal in a healthy way and continue to wait for the miracle of healing to occur. And go get this book, it's super excellent! Love you all, I'm most grateful for all the wonderful people in my life and the support they have given me and continue to give me.