Count Your Many Blessings

So I spend a lot of time talking about how hard this has been for me. I need to take some time to talk about what has been good in this situation. Some of these things I've listed before, so bear with me as I feel the need to list them again.

1. My parents moving here. My parents already had sold their house and where making plans to move out probably to Vegas the end of August when I called them last July to tell them that Jonathan was leaving. They immediately changed their moving location to Utah and even moved up their moving date a couple of weeks. I would not have survived without all of the support I have received and continue to receive from my parents living here. And I know my children are greatly benefited from having them near by as well.

2. My job. It's miraculous that I even got it. It's perfect. I love the organization and I love, love the people I work with. I love my schedule, my pay, the benefits. I could not have found a more perfect job if I had hand tailored it myself.

3. Having my mom and my friend in the neighborhood watch Benjamin. I sometimes feel guilty when I feel like I'm not really raising my child, but if I can't be there, who better than my mom and when she can't do it, my friend who I know and trust, and who really loves Benjamin.

4. The ease of the divorce. I know so many people who are in prolonged, expensive, highly stressful and contentious court battles and I can't imagine the horror. We fairly easily and (mostly) calmly were able to work everything out and the process was mostly painless.

5. Jonathan living so close and staying so involved with the kids. He loves his kids and is a good dad. It's great that he is so nearby and so involved in the kids lives. I have heard that the 3 biggest factors that will help children adjust the best to divorce are frequent and regular contact with both parents, no contention between the parents, and child support being paid. The kids and I are blessed that all of those things are the case. I'm grateful we are civil with each other and that the kids have not ended up in the middle of any battles.

6. Jonathan having the kids a couple of evenings a week and every other weekend has allowed me to go out and do more things then I used to do. I go out with friends a lot, go to more social and cultural activities. This weekend I went to the symphony Friday night with a friend from work, then on Saturday West Side Story by myself and dinner with my college roommates. I like being able to get out and do things, even though the person I wish I was doing the things with isn't with me.

7. So far I have been financially stable. I have been taken care of by many people the first few months and with cutting back on a couple of things I have found I am getting along well financially. This is a blessing, as I have always been the type to worry about money and this is obviously always a major concern when facing divorce. Maybe my lack of worry has more to do with attempting to take an overall non-worrying attitude than to having plenty of money.

8. I'm grateful to be able to stay in my house. I love my house, it feels like home. I love my neighborhood. I think it has also been good for the kids to have their home/friends/school stay stable through all of this.

Now I would like to talk about some of the things I have/am learned/learning:

I'm  learning to let go of control.
I'm learning to attempt to live in the present moment.
I've learned that God is absolutely involved in the details of our lives.
I've learned the saying that God answers our prayers through other people is true.
I've learned that by the grace of God we can get through anything.
I'm learning to live without fear and worry.
I've learned I'm not always a great listener and I'm working on improving that.
I've learned I can do things alone, even if it may not be my preference.
I am learning to pray, "Thy will be done," and really mean it.
I've learned I'm stronger than I think.
I've learned I'm weaker than I think.
I've re-learned that music is a great antidote to most anything, particularly breaking it down to some good dance tunes.
I've learned that sometimes things take a long time. I'm learning to be ok with that.
I'm learning to live my own life and attempting to not let how other people live their lives affect me.
I've learned I have wonderful family and friends.
This list could go on and on. I've talked a lot on the blog about things I'm learning and discovering.

I have never, ever been the kind of person who was "grateful for my trials" because of all I had learned from them. Until now. This has been (and I hope will continue to be,) a transformational experience. I feel like I was mostly asleep before now, just going through life, not really paying attention to things. Now I'm wide awake, wide awake to myself, to God, and to all that is around me. I don't want to fall asleep again, I don't want to go back to the way things were. I am becoming a new person, living a new life. I think refinement by fire really is the only way for us to reach our true potential.