Part of my anger is directed at myself. Right now I really hate the fact that I am still attached to him, that part of me still wants to be with him, that I let him still hurt me. Because the truth of the matter is he doesn't deserve, nor is he worth, one more thought or tear or any more anything from me. Why should I care at all about someone who doesn't care at all about me. Why should I spend any energy on someone who for a long time has spent so little energy on me, in fact so little energy he can just walk away despite everything, including 5 children, without a second thought or a single look over his shoulder? I should be celebrating being freed from such a person and such a situation! Though before celebrating my freedom I wouldn't mind screaming at him, and punching him, and maybe slashing his tires. But alas, that won't happen, so I think I'll go mediate for a while. And don't worry, in a day or two I'll have dealt with this too and be ok. There isn't anything I can't deal with and come out the other side of like a champ! Until then, forgive me my anger. And in case you are wondering, even in my anger I'm censoring myself, see what a nice person I am?
"Dear [Jonathan],
2 comments:
I cannot even imagine the anger you must feel. It is very hard to understand why someone would walk away from five beautiful children and a wife of so many years. You are a wonderful person and I pray that Heavenly Father blesses you with everything you are in need of.
Maybe you shouldn't censor yourself. Maybe he doesn't deserve to be "dear" and you don't owe it to him to sign off "love."
I don't know you, though I've been following your blog for a while. So I don't know if this will help at all, but I feel like I understand some of what you're going through, even though my breakups (I had more than I care to think about but hopefully that's over now, knock on wood) didn't ever involve a divorce and kids. (also knock on wood.)
I'm really sorry this has happened to you. that sounds lame....
I've been in that stage of not being over someone who's hurt me and doesn't deserve one more second of my energy. sometimes it helps ever so slightly if I am angry at them not for leaving me, but for making me like/love them in the first place if they weren't going to follow through on what they seemed to be promising. It seems like this is some of what your ex did, he maybe never cared about you enough? If he could just walk away from all the good things in your family, he's maybe too detached to love anyone properly. He should have picked some other girl to make miserable.
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