I'm finding it frustrating that even though my brain can know something, it's a difficult thing to bring feelings and emotions in line with what I know intellectually.
I know that all things are in God's hands and that he is always there for me and wants only to bless me with happiness and joy beyond my expectations. Yet in some moments, the idea of actually having to sit down and sign divorce papers strikes such fear and sorrow into my heart that I feel like I'm going to fall off a cliff. Or drown. Or sink. Even though I KNOW he won't let me fall, the fear is sometimes there and very real.
I know that I was not left because I'm unlovable, unworthy, or did something to warrant being left. And yet sometimes the pain of rejection is enough to make me curl up into the fetal position.
Over the past little while my brain is beginning to see that, given the way things stand, this is, in actuality, going to end up being a good and right thing for my life. Yet this knowledge is sometimes little comfort or consolation for my aching heart.
So, if anyone out there knows how to get my heart to consistently fall in line with my brain, I'd be much obliged. I suppose a better way to view this situation is to be thankful that my brain has in fact come to such knowledge and to with patience and good grace allow my heart the time to heal. I just find the ups and downs and changes in mood to be frustrating and unsettling and yearn for a more even keeled voyage.
1 comment:
I don't know what to tell you except, sorry, eventually you will get used to the mood swings. I don't know what it is like to sign divorce papers because no one has ever wanted me to sign marriage papers. In a weird way, being single forever has helped me cope with the personal rejection a bit better. Except on those days when I can't make myself attend one more singles activity, have no desire to attend church on Mother's day, or talk to family members whose only topic of conversation around me seems to be dating.
You know deep down in your heart and, on good days, in your brain that you are capable of being loved, that you are worth so much more than you can imagine, that the people who choose not to love you are missing out on the opportunity to be around one of the most amazing people on the planet. But, there will always be moments when the despair and loneliness seem to be your only companion. It's normal to feel like this occasionally.
The mood swings won't disappear but you can lessen their blow. I have compliments other people have given me written down on pieces of paper taped around my house. Since I live alone and have no one to say them to me on a daily basis, I read what others have said to me. It helps remind me that there are people out there who love me and want me to be happy and succeed. They counter the negative things others have said to me and remind me that to one person my friendship is necessary, my smile is beautiful, someone was glad they sat next to me because they got to hear me sing, I was an answer to a prayer, etc. One person told me I was beautiful.
It doesn't lessen the confusion over why no man has ever wanted me to be his wife nor does it mitigate the pain I feel experiencing being passed over for another, but it does remind me that I have value and worth and that I have people I have met in my life who are glad that I have been in theirs. We can't make other people love us nor can we make their choices for them. And that is the hardest lesson I have learned.
Sorry this comment was so long or if you're uncomfortable that I read your blog. I discovered it over Christmas via Megan's blog and was bored. Then I read all of 2012's posts and was shocked. You have my deepest condolences and my prayers go out to you and your little ones. Heavenly Father loves you very much and is mindful of you even during those times that your mood is below the pond scum.
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