The Best Worst

Quick update: I'm doing good. I feel good. Life is good.

Some longer thoughts:
Getting divorced is on the top of my list of one of the worst things that could happen to me. It sucks, no one should have to go through it. However, I seem to find myself in the best worst situation possible. The divorce process itself has been relatively easy, quick, and mostly conflict free. No lawyers, court battles, or judges making our decisions. We are civil with each other, and scheduling and figuring things out and transitioning back and forth between two houses all seems to go quite smoothly usually. I have an amazing support network in my parents, family, friends and ward. I have a perfect job, that in all reality I shouldn't have. When I say that I don't mean I shouldn't have it because I can't do it or I'm not good at it, I'm very good at it. I simply mean I shouldn't have gotten the job. I shouldn't have gotten a job that I didn't apply for, that pays well and has full benefits even though I'm part-time, when I haven't even worked since college 12 1/2 years ago. Yet I do, and it's a miracle, and something I'm grateful for everyday. Even the kids have the best of the worst in the fact that they still see both parents regularly, have good relationships with both parents, and don't have to deal with fighting, conflict, or being put in the middle. I believe they are coping fairly well, though it's hard to tell and I still worry about it. Benjamin has particularly been a struggle, but this week he has been quite good, I'm hoping this is permanent. I have been blessed in so many ways, it's humbling. Especially when I know that so many people have a much greater struggle when they go through their divorce. I really don't know what could be better, except for of course not getting divorced. But as that is something I have no control over, I'm grateful that I have had such relatively smooth sailing through such a tempest.

Speaking of control, I've started a book called The Power of Losing Control. I love it, it's just what I need.

"Think of it this way: If we have no control over anyone or anything other than ourselves, it must be equally true that no other person or situation can have control over us."

The other night as I was pondering the idea of only being in control of myself and no one else I was almost giddy with the joy of it. Such freedom! Just think, nothing that anyone else does or nothing that happens to you matters. It doesn't matter. This is one of my new mantras. And I don't mean that flippantly, I mean it genuinely. If I don't have control over it, then it doesn't matter and I can still choose to be happy. (Happiness truly is a choice, you know!) Try it, it's amazing. It totally makes me smile! "It doesn't matter. I can still be happy!" Right now I'm smiling to myself, it's so great! I feel like I could float away. No weight holding you down, just freedom to be yourself and be happy.

Here's another great quote from it:

‎"When most of us begin to truly examine ourselves, if we discover something we're less than pleased with, we tend to do one of three things: We overlook it, we justify it, or we punish ourselves for it. The rational thing to do would be to change it, but most of us never get that far."

Well, no more for me. No more overlooking, justifying, or punishing. I'm changing! Another thing I've started reading about in my quest for self-improvement and peace and happiness is meditation, "mindfulness." Some good stuff. You should try that too!