Endings and Beginnings

At the moment I'm having a hard time seeing anything other then endings and losses. Christmas is over, and today I took down the Christmas decorations. I always find that sad. The year is over, my marriage is over. Feels like too much over-ness at one time. The past couple weeks have been hard. I find myself again feeling confused and lost because the whole situation still seems incomprehensible. Why should my marriage, family, the last 14 years of my life, the rest of my future the way I wanted it, all be over when there is really no good reason or understandable explanation? Yes, I know I will never have answers to most of my questions. That's hard for me.

Yet, life goes on. I am hopeful that 2013 will be better than 2012. On Monday it will be 6 months since I learned he was leaving me. He moved out 4 1/2 months ago. I think by the end of this month, when the divorce should likely be finalized, that I will be over the hardest, worst part of this whole process. I've already had some pretty big turning points and I've learned so much, most importantly that God is always there working miracles in our lives. The rest is just a matter of some more time continuing on the path of healing that I'm already walking on. Two major goals I have for myself are to get back to working out regularly and eating healthier. Second is to slow down, and be more patient and kind with myself and my children. I'm working on letting go of fear and controlling and I think slowing down, patience, and kindness will help me let go of those things.

So if you were to ask me at another moment I would likely tell you I'm excited for this new year. I'm excited to become a better person and mother. I'm excited for all of the great things God has in store for me, because I am worthy of better than this. At another moment real soon I'll say, "Happy New Year!" and mean it.