How I
love you and hate you.
How bound I am to you.
How bound I am to break my bondage.
I want to be free!
I want to be able to enjoy the day again,
and give me back my nights.
I've had a couple of people mention that when I find someone else it will help a lot to get over him. I'm quite sure that is true, however the problem with that is it's unlikely I'll find someone in the near future. It could be years, it could be never. So I feel the need to get over him without someone taking his place, because who knows how long it will be before someone that I want, wants that spot.
I think the one thing that makes it particularly difficult is I have to see him and communicate with him regularly! 2-4 days a week I see him! And seeing him is kind of like this:
She asked me if seeing
you was a drain.
Seeing you is not a drain.
It's a sewer.
Also, like this:
The layers I have put
around the pain of
your going are thin.
I walk softly through
life, adding thickness
each day.
A thought or a feeling
of you cracks the surface.
A call to you
shatters it all.
And I spend that night in death,
spinning the first
layer of life
with the sunrise.
I would like to take this moment to apologize for posting so much. It's therapeutic, goes along well with the journaling I also do. There I don't have to censor myself, but here I feel a little bit like I'm actually talking to someone, knowing that a few people listen and I get a bit of feedback. Hopefully you'll forgive me as I've lost the person I want to talk to.
all I need is
someone to
talk to
about
you
but
you
are the
only person
I can really
talk to.
trapped.
These poems are written by Peter McWilliams. They are from one of my favorite books, How to Survive the Loss of a Love.
3 comments:
I can't imagine how hard that must be, especially because you HAVE to see him every week. I do hope that someday you can find a new love, even if that seems difficult right now.
It's like the only scene that I like from "The Way We Were." She calls Hubble and tells him how horrible their breakup is because the only one she really wants to talk to about all this is her best friend but unfortunately he's her best friend. And that makes it 100 times worse.
You need a theme song for these moments. May I suggest "I Want to Break Free" by Queen. Every time you have one of these moments, hit play, sing at the top of your lungs, and dance around like a wild woman. It may help. It's a bit like full-body primal screaming.
Oh, and maybe your new love can be you? Sounds odd but it helps when you're single to really love yourself because you don't get that love from a significant other. I do a lot of things alone and don't feel lonely doing them because I've learned to enjoy my own company. I even take myself out to eat at sit down restaurants and it no longer bothers me to tell the waiter "just one."
"I want to break free from your lies, you're so self-satisfied, I don't need you. I've got to break free."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgQaa_B6ATI
Wouldn't it be nice to wake up one day just not caring about that relationship any more? I can't help wondering if he reads your blog and how you feel about that possibility.
One thing I do know about getting over a relationship that causes pain and longing is not to fight it. It doesn't really help to yell at yourself to stop it. It helps a lot more to acknowledge it, and just let the feeling hover around in the back (and sometimes forefront) of your mind. Those thoughts are going to be there anyway. Don't add self berating for having them. Keep talking and blogging it out. Keep working through it. Eventually you'll be done. Eventually it will go away.
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