More thoughts...

Since my parents left on Friday afternoon I've been really overly emotional. It happens occasionally, hormonal stuff I suppose, but usually passes quickly, so this has been weird and not very enjoyable for me. No, I'm not pregnant, plus this feels more like the postpartum stuff that comes after a baby is born, no fun. It's always sad to have my parents leave, I wish they lived closer. I told my mom they needed to move here by spring of 2012. Of course, they might be better off just renting, in case we move they can follow us. ;) And this time, my dad was going home to starting his round of chemo to put the cancer that is already back, back into remission again, also sad and not fun.

After a fun holiday of being able to be lazy, fun times with family, and Christmas cheer, it is hard to go back to normal life. Plus I'm scared that going back to normal life will mean I go back to my normal, mediocre ways instead of making the changes in my life and myself that I really want to make. I keep trying to tell myself that "God has not given us the spirit of fear," and that I am an intelligent, talented, capable person, and that Christ will help me if I just stay close to him and ask. But as I look into the past, I feel that in the game of making important, LASTING changes that I have wanted to make, I'm batting zero. Probably not true, but it feels like that. I also have this feeling that I have tended to let Time just hemorrhage around me without actually putting it to good use and making it work for me. It just continuously flows forward without me realizing, or paying attention. My kids have grown up too fast and I haven't taken advantage of the moments like I should and I can never get it back. I tend to be a planner, always looking into the future and planning the next thing to happen, (often months in advance,) and in the mean time miss what is happening in the here and now. So today I find myself almost crying when I dropped my kids off at school! See, now you know something is wrong! Hopefully it will go away soon. I recognize the importance of being thoughtful and careful, etc. but this is just ridiculous. Plus, like I mentioned before, I feel seized by a panic and fear of failure, not helpful. So I also quote to myself, "You've never failed at anything in your life Anne Shirley," and now that I'm a red head maybe it will be true.