This post has the following disclaimer: This is not intended as a bragging thing or as a fishing trip for compliments, criticism, pity, advice, etc. It is simply meant as an attempt at an honest representation of how I experience my life.
I consider myself to be an intelligent, capable person. I generally am successful in many of the endeavors I pursue in life and excel fairly easily in some things. I believe I am generally a well liked person who can get along fine with most people. I've always been a superb employee and am quite confident that I could have had an extremely successful career in a number of different things. However, because I have always believed that it is what I am supposed to do, I have become a career mother. This would be fine except for the small detail that I am not a great mother. Now I know I'm not a really bad mother and my children could be infinitely worse off, but that is no excuse for not being a good mother. I'm not saying this in a trite, cliche way either. I really am not a great mother.
Here is some of the irony of my situation:
1. I am theoretically well qualified to be a mother. I have grown up always knowing I wanted to be a mother; I went through the young women program, I am the oldest of 6 children, I babysat a lot, I've taken some family science classes. You'd think I would be a natural, but alas, I'm not. I think this has something to do with the fact that you have no idea what something is like in actual reality until you experience it in actual reality. So to say you've always wanted to be a mother when you haven't been, you really have no idea what you are saying you want.
2. Despite my struggles with my job and the fact that I often don't like it, I wouldn't choose to do a different job. Jonathan has had the experience of becoming dissatisfied with a company and finding a job with a new one, I can't trade in my kids and hope it will be any better. (Even if I could, I don't think it would be better.)
3. I have 5 young children and I PLANNED it that way! Not a single one of my children was a surprise, I wanted them when I had them. I am now realizing I am insane!
I believe that being a mother is the hardest job there is. Again, I'm not saying that in a trite, cliche way. I honestly believe it's the hardest thing out there. So I must not be as intelligent and capable as I thought because I have not been very successful in this endeavor.
I have been searching for years for the answers to this Catch 22 situation. I have sought for how to find peace, joy, satisfaction and enjoyment in my job as a mother without a lot of long term success. There are have of course been many wonderful moments, and life is full of ups and downs, but I would say that I have overall been unsuccessful so far. I must assume I am deeply flawed somewhere or was made lacking in that "nurturing" component that all women are supposed to magically posses. I am quite aware of what my weaknesses are and things that I need to differently (I won't bother to innumerate them here.) However, I have learned that trying to change how I experience life, or alter habits or built in responses in a lasting way is a seemingly impossible task. Maybe that's what endure to the end means, when you just don't get it you just have to keep moving forward any way. Maybe by the time I'm a grandmother I'll be good at this mothering thing. In the mean time, I hope to not damage my children too badly.
9 comments:
If I could I would give you a hug. I read somewhere that moving is the second biggest life stressor after the death of a loved one, so be gentle on yourself. Especially when you combine moving with trying to integrate a new baby in your family. Just because events are wanted or good doesn't mean that they won't cause disruption or even depression. Big changes are always an adjustment. When we moved a few months after I'd had a baby I completely lost it and it took me nearly a year to get better. Seriously. I think I'm better now, maybe? :)
Your post hit home, Julie; thanks for sharing your thoughts. I just finished rocking a screaming, wiggling, very tired, almost-15-month old, little boy for 20 minutes until he fell asleep in my arms. (sigh) What was the trouble? I have no idea; nor do I really know what to do to "fix" anything. Whatever this "mothering instinct" is that everyone tells you to pay attention to, must not be real strong in me either. Perhaps having the opportunity to not really be a great mother, will help us appreciate all the more the nature/capacity of our Father in Heaven and the ability of our Savior to make us like Him. All I know, is that the Savior has a lot of work ahead of Him ... for me, at least. :)
Similarly, I think, I find my shortcomings as a parent especially frustrating precisely because I'm very good at everything else I do. I think you're right--parenting is more difficult than most other things.
Foxy - my first reaction to your comment was that I have felt this way most of my motherhood career, not just now with the move. But then I realized I have spent most of my motherhood career moving a million times. So maybe there is nothing wrong with me, maybe it is just the moving and I can therefore blame it all on Jonathan. =)
Jules, your doing great! Just recall all of the advice given at General Conference. To the women: don't be so hard on yourself. To the men: work harder. It's tough for all us mommas out there. Grin and bear it or fake it until you make it :) Luv ya, Joy
First positive; "I never said it would be easy I only said it would be worth it." second DITTO I can't believe I decided to do it again. Someone should put cad on alert. LOL
You are brave to be so honest on your blog. I admire that.
And I was hoping that motherhood would feel more comfortable the longer I was a mother. That doesn't always happen though since each child is so different.
I agree with almost all of the comments. Being a mother is so hard! I to continue to wonder why I wanted a huge family,(Mine's not huge yet). I admire you for being honest about motherhood, I always feel like a bad mother, I think we all feel like there is more we can do to be perfect. But no one is perfect.
Julie, I agree that motherhood is the most difficult job there is. I really had no idea until I started working part time this year. I now have every other day at home with my kids. That is much more difficult in a lot of ways than teaching other people's teenagers at high school. But I think we will find joy in the struggle. As we strive to do better, we grow more than we thought we could. And motherhood forces me to rely on the Savior more than any other situation in my life. I don't have the answers or skills, so I have to go to Him for help. It's very humbling--and I need that!
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