I have mentioned several times before how it's a struggle for me to know something intellectually but not be able to convince my heart on the matter. This morning this scripture came to mind, though in a different way than we normally think about it. "Yea, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart." D&C 8:2
I began to ponder that the idea of knowing and feeling something in your mind AND in your heart is quite possibly a universal law required to truly know and understand something and then be able to act accordingly. I am having a hard time completely acting upon what I understand intellectually because it has not yet completely penetrated my heart. Full conversion to anything requires both the mind and heart to be on board. I don't think life works out too well if both aren't in line. If we use only our hearts, following only our emotions and feelings, we will often make unwise decisions. But if we are trying to follow only our minds, and our hearts isn't in it, we won't be very successful at achieving our goals. So now my prayers have become please let the Holy Ghost enter into my heart, soften it and fill it with pure love and forgiveness so that I can successfully achieve my goals of love and forgiveness that I have already come to understand in my mind.
I realized a possible problem. God requires a broken heart. Well, my heart has certainly been broken so I should be good to go, right? The problem is I think when we are attempting to put back together our broken hearts we sometimes tend to make it into a hard heart, probably a protection mechanism. I have in some ways hardened my heart towards Jonathan, thus making forgiveness and moving on a difficult task.
I read the following yesterday.
"The unforgiving mind (and/or heart) is confused, afraid and full of fear. It is certain of the interpretation it places on its perceptions of others. It is certain of the justification of its anger and the correctness of its condeming judgment. The unforgiving mind rigidly sees the past and future as the same and is resistant to change. The unforgiving mind sees itself as innocent and others as guilty. It thrives on conflict and on being right, and it sees inner peace as it's enemy." - Gerald G. Jampolsky, Love is Letting Go of Fear
Ouch!! I'm working on giving up my certain-ness, my rightness, my innocence. It's not an easy thing to do when you're certain your right. ;)
I learned something else last night/this morning too. Part of my inability to let go is the feeling I posses that I have some claim on Jonathan, that I have some kind of rights in his behavior towards to me, that he has a duty to me, that he owes me. But here's the thing, you can't demand love. Love, in order for it to be real love, must be freely given. I had the following phrase running through my mind, "and this you do of your own free will and choice?" When we make covenants with God, he does not exact things from us, make us do what we covenanted to do. God does not bind us, we must choose to bind ourselves to God. It's the same in relationships. I do not have the ability or right to bind someone to me, make them do what I want them to do. They have to chose to bind themselves to me and of their own free will and choice give me love and respect and fidelity. I have no rights or claims in regards to other people. I can only use my own free will and choice to openly love and forgive. It's time for me to execute a Quit Claim Deed on Jonathan, the way he did on our house.
1 comment:
The Lord requires a broken heart AND a contrite spirit. I think the contrite spirit is the hardest to achieve. It is the total surrender of our will to God's and that is uncomfortable. The word contrite is derived from the Latin word for "grind down or wear away." To me it is not just having our hearts broken by something but that the experience has in some way eroded our pride or arrogance over the specific matter or issue. It is truly acknowledging that I am not omniscient and in order for me to have the ability to choose I have to acknowledge that others are also given that ability to choose. I must respect their decisions and accept consequences that may never be of my choosing.
That whole idea that a rolling stone gathers no moss and the chips and other protrusions are slowly broken off as it tumbles down the hill into the stream only to be polished over decades by the constant flow of water into a smooth, beautiful river rock. The satin smoothness and the rock's inner beauty would never have been seen had it not gone through its tumultuous journey down the hill.
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