Sometimes that only thing that keeps me biting my tongue and being nice is that I don't want to be THAT x-wife, you know the type. Don't worry, often my motives for being nice are much more pure, like I want to take the higher road, be Christlike, I'm a nice person, and all that jazz. (I totally have that song in my head right now!) But I figure you got take what you can get and work with what you have.
This weekend was really emotionally tough. But I learned some good things. One, my heart is not safe in his hands, hasn't been for a while, so it's time for me to stop attempting to put it anywhere near them. This will save me a lot of trouble. Though it's easier said than done. It's been there for over 14 years and I'm not exactly sure how to get it all the way back, though I'm working on it. (I know, I know, Time.) It would sure be nice if he could just hand it back to me, since he doesn't want it any way.
Two, a greater understanding and empathy for people in difficult relationships. I used to think that anyone who allowed themselves to be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship was crazy. What's wrong with them? You just get out! However, like most things, unless we've experienced things ourselves we have no idea what we are talking about. Now, don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying in anyway that I was in an abusive relationship, or that people should stay in one, I'm just saying I now see how hard it is to get out of any kind of relationship. I am in a spot where I can intellectually see that he is now not the kind of person I want to be with and that it's not the kind of relationship that I want or that I deserve. And yet the emotional complications of trying to untangle myself are sometimes staggering. I had very concretely and effectively attached myself to my husband and my marriage, as is appropriate when you are dedicated to your spouse and marriage. Un-attaching such an attachment is no easy feat. So many cords to untangle and knots to untie. It's slow, painful work and can so easily be derailed. And underlying it all is the fear that I could be alone for the rest of my life and I still mostly think that an un-ideal marriage is better than being alone. But, I don't even have the choice of staying if I wanted to. So nothing for it but to soldier on and little by little untangle and untie until I set myself truly free to go live a wonderful, full, happy life!
1 comment:
Amen! And I agree. experience is the ultimate teacher. I thought I understood cancer from my mom's experience, but oh no. in fact I've been contemplating lately this idea that one of the most important purposes of this life is simply to experience stuff. not everyone is blessed to have Christ as a source of peace and healing (and what a bonus to have that!), but everyone on earth is experiencing - the push and pull off opposites, the consequences of choice, the grays of decision making, the joys and the sorrows. "And all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good." experiences are something (maybe THE something) we came here for. I'm still chewing on this thought, let me know what you think.
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