Hello my name is Julie, and I'm a codependent.

Yes, this news is as shocking to me as it is to you. I would have never thought to describe myself as a codependent. It was recommended to me that I read the book "Codependent No More: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself." by Melody Beattie, so I'm now reading it. Turns out I am in fact a codependent. Actually one of the premises of the book is that everyone is at least a little codependent, so I would actually recommend it to everyone. It has been instrumental in bringing about some real light bulb moments for me. So here are this morning's light bulb moments, they're simply too good not to share.

I spent much of my married life living in fear of being left. If he was late I just knew that he was dead somewhere. If he wanted to have lunch with a women, I just knew he was going to have an affair and leave me. I would always jump to the very worst conclusion. I was terrified of him leaving me, either by death or by choice. This fear often lead to me feeling and acting crazy. I had to take control of things to make sure that this never happened. I couldn't be sure that he would want to stay with me of his own free will, so I had to go in and try to take control and make sure he wouldn't do anything that might eventually lead to his leaving me. Turns out not only can you not control other people, but it's a pretty unpleasant way to feel and live for all involved. I realize that this kind of behavior was a contributing factor in Jonathan leaving. This is not a comfortable realization to come to. However, since I've decided to give up blame altogether, I believe it is a realization I can live with, and I hope this realization will help aid me with living a much saner, happier life in the present and future.

Then I realized that I do it with my kids as well. If I can't figure out a way to make sure that David turns in his homework like he is supposed to he will for sure be a failure his entire life. If my kids don't clean their rooms exactly when I tell them to they are guaranteed to turn out lazy. If I don't strictly control the tv they watch or if I let them on the internet they will swear, have mush for brains, and become porn addicts. I am solely responsible for making sure that my kids become the kind of people that I want them to become and must single-handedly keep them safe from all harm and evil that may befall. This kind of thinking is insane!! Not to mention extremely prideful, that somehow I'm the only one capable and intelligent enough of making sure that my children and husband behave as they should, because they certainly aren't capable of doing it on their own.

Then comes the question, where does all this fear come from? In fact, at a conscious level I don't think I really at all believed that much of my thought patterns and behaviors where motivated by fear. Yet I now see clearly it is there, at least subconsciously. But I didn't have a traumatic childhood. I've never been abused or abandoned or had cause to experience much fear or loss in my life, so where does this come from? Now, at the risk of offending or being misunderstood, I here say that I believe that much of it comes from they way we teach and interpret some of our religious beliefs. We're taught that the world is a place full of evil, we're taught to fear sin and the powers of the devil. What if instead we believed that the world is a glorious place full of much good, what if instead we were to love God and his children? What if we knew that true peace and happiness comes from walking the path that our loving Heavenly Father has given to us? What if we acted out of love for God and a knowledge of his blessings?  What if we realized that all people make mistakes and that God is wiling to forgive anything we may do, and that he thinks we do far less wrong than we think we do? "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." My goal is to believe that others are capable of living their own good lives, and to not react out of fear but out of love. "For perfect love casteth out all fear."

This does bring up another question that I don't yet have an answer for, what is the correct balance between detachment and attachment. Where is the middle ground between codependent and "I'm a rock, I'm an island?" Something to discuss my next counseling session.